It appears we are now T minus fifteen-some hours from the end of life as we know it and in the iconic words of REM’s Michael Stipe, “It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.” According to a series of wackos, crackpots and loons all over the thing we call the inter-web, sometime tomorrow we should be blowing up into a red-hot fireball by the end of the day. All of this because the Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012 and a bunch of fools at the Discovery Channel decided to make a series of catchy documentaries with shocking titles like “2012 – The End.” Or more creative titles like, “2012- Is It The End?” By topping the various hard-hitting docudramas off with some high quality reality shows showcasing unstable nut-jobs such as Doomsday Preppers, we suddenly find ourselves with a large segment of society who honestly believes that the end is near. I think it’s also important to add here than only in America would we decide that Armageddon would occur in conjunction with our time zone. If this were really an issue, wouldn’t China already be gone by now? It’s already the 21st over there.
For those of you who are not quite up on your full-on Armageddon crazy, here is the gist of what is going to happen tomorrow. We are going to fall victim to solar storms that will knock out the power grid. We will be hit by a dwarf planet. Jesus is going to make an appearance and instigate that whole Judgment Day thing. We will get sucked into a black hole in the center of the galaxy. The earth will reverse on its axis and our toilets will swish like they do in Australia. The zombie war will begin at midnight. The crazies will kill off the rest of us before hiding in their bunkers from aliens here to take over. According to the interweb, it’s not clear if one or all of these things are going to occur so just to be safe, I’m going to do a little low-level prep for all of the above.
-I’ve purchased a few new Christmas candles to give that scent of holiday happiness to our home. These should work nicely in the event the power grid blows in which case we will have light and the fragrant aroma of cinnamon and cranberries.
-I’m only 5’4” so if we’re hit by a dwarf planet, chances are strong that they might take me in as one of their own. (Unless of course they are hostile about my constantly referring to my short son as the Midget. Then I may be screwed.)
-As for Jesus and the whole Judgment Day thing, I’ve made plans to attend Mass on Christmas Eve and the Midget has learned a few bible stories in Preschool this year so we’re tight.
-A black hole would work well with my predominately black wardrobe. It seems like the ultimate slimming solution.
-In preparation for the reverse toilet swish, I’ve cleaned them thoroughly and launched a fresh Ty-D-Bol man. Full disclosure, I’m kinda hoping this one happens. How cool will that be to have reverse swish?
-In the zombie arena I’m totally cool. My parents owned a funeral home in my formative teen and young adult years. So I’m totally ahead of the curve when it comes to knowledge of the dead and reanimated. I am all over any zombie war.
-As for the crazies killing us all off before hiding in their bunkers, well, that one is the only thing that terrifies me because as we’ve seen, the chances of that happening are too real. Just to be safe, I’ve cleared my calendar and I’m staying home for a few days far away from any gun nuts or public arenas.
Perhaps I should be a bit more alarmed. Perhaps I should be building a bunker and drawing up a battle plan for the zombie war and putting the Turk and the Midget though training exercises in our garage. Perhaps I should be stocking up on canned goods in the event that we only mildly blow. But I’m not. Instead, I’m looking at the positives of Armageddon.
Should tomorrow actually be Doomsday and I am not spared by the overstocked concrete bunker in my backyard that I neglected to build, here are the positives I see.
- My tumultuous relationship with that bitch Sally Mae will finally be over.
- All those whack-a-doodles who believed and developed scary websites and held signs on street corners will be validated.
- No one will ever make me disclose the true number of peanut clusters I have consumed this holiday season.
- I won’t have to tackle our ridiculously difficult tax return again.
- Those crows-feet concerns will be over.No more worrying about when the end will come because it already did.
- My toilet might swish backwards, even if I’m too dead to see it.
- No more guilt about irresponsible retirement planning.
Conversely, if tomorrow does turn out to be The End, there are a few things that I will be truly pissed about.
- I bought awesome Christmas gifts this year and actually kept them all a secret – which is a shocking feat for my big mouth.
- The 13 dozen cookies I baked in the past 3 days will be obliterated instead of resting for eternity on one’s thighs as they were intended to do.
- I will be forced to spend eternity with those extra 15 pounds I never managed to work off.
- No after Christmas Shopping.
- I never got to catch up on Downton Abbey Season 2.
- No more peanut clusters
It’s a crazy time in which we live, but if NASA says it’s not the end I think we can be pretty certain that it’s not the end. According to Wikipedia, the New Age belief is that the December 21, 2012 date is not the end of the world, but the end of the world we know, as mankind suddenly makes a turn for a new and better world. The hatred breaks way for love and we are all renewed. I’m not a crystal-believing, hemp wearing, incense burning kind of New Age gal, but I like this thought. God knows we need it. So maybe as we all tuck in tonight, instead of hoping for the world not to end or for reverse swishing toilets, we can hope for a new world tomorrow. That’s will certainly be my wish.