Tuesday, January 3, 2012
It's the Night of the Big Dance and Ron Paul Hasn't Called...
It’s the night of the big dance and he still hasn’t called. While I understand he’s a busy man, to say I’m not offended would be a blatant lie. I feel like an ugly girl on prom night, not sure whether to remain in my sweats, or get dolled up on the off chance that the dreamy football captain comes to his senses and drops by to whisk me off to the ball and reveal our forbidden love to all. I realize that campaigning with a running mate is an unprecedented move but if anybody was going to orchestrate an unprecedented move on the night of the Iowa Caucuses, it should in fact be Ron Paul. But as of 4:00pm, Ron’s people have yet to ring me up and ask me to jump on board as Ron’s VP for 2012.
Confused? Let me take a moment to catch you up to speed – You see, as I age and near the Big One in mere weeks, I seem – very much to my own surprise- to have become conservative and obscenely irrational in my political values and opinions. I learned this simply by doing what I do during each presidential season - as I watch the various debates, I like to take the last podium on the left and jump in to answer each question before anyone else – I also like to provide loud rebuttals and the occasional hostile tirade. Even though I was a temporarily displaced new mother, residing abroad, I still held my own in the Democratic Season back in 2008 and Hillary and I had a few quality smack-downs. Anyhooo…this year by about the second debate I was shocked to find that my responses, rebuttals and occasional hostile tirades were nearly identical to those of Ron Paul. Of course, logically I found this to mean that I was in fact, morphing into an aging, Republican nutcase. I also assumed that this was the universe’s way of informing me that I would be the perfect presidential running mate for Señor Paul. I would rein in his crazy and give him liberal street cred by being not only adorable and charming, but damn hot in glasses. I would be like a rational, non-annoying, intellectual Sarah Palin to his crazy old man ala John McCain. All of this coupled with the fact that we’d recently re-located to the start of the campaign trail made it seem like our pairing was not only ideal, but kismet.
I determined that it was better for his image to give me top billing Özemet/Paul 2012 and that “Reinin’ in the Crazy” would be an ideal campaign slogan. I sent numerous Facebook "Shout-outs” to his people and I tracked his whereabouts in Iowa and sent him various messages subconsciously. As I watched Ron climb in the polls, it only became more and more clear that ours was a relationship that was meant to be. I thought about how I would dress my Midget on the campaign trail and use his 3 year-old charm to garner more votes – bowtie and blazer on anyone under 3 feet tall is simply A-dorable. I determined how to use my extensive background in professional theatre and my standing in the gay community to make strides with the Fabulous. And let us not forget that I am happily married to an immigrant…from a Muslim country at that!...– it just goes without saying those facts alone brings a whole amazing set of demographics to the table on my behalf as well.
The more the stars revealed the better our union seems, but alas – on the night of big Caucasus dance – the beginning of it all and here I sit – in my sweats with no call from Ron. I will console myself with the thought that he didn’t need help with the homosexual, immigrant, Muslim or mommy vote this time around and has decided to keep me on the back burner as an ace in his pocket. Just like the ugly girl knows that prom is not always the right time for the school jock to reveal their relationship either.
But Ron, know this - I will only wait so long. Not that I would jump ship and run off with Newt, (I hear he’s a bit handsy on the campaign bus and I’m not down with that) and I have no tolerance for Mitt and his elitist ways…though I won’t lie and tell you John Huntsman hasn’t turned my head a time or two….But I’m a loyal gal Ron – I’m waiting for you…just say the word.