Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Doctor Is In...

It's time for the truth.  Alert the tabloids.  Notify TMZ.  Call the Enquirer because inquiring minds want to know.  The truth is...I have been deeply entrenched in an affair with Dr. Mehmet Oz for the past two months.  Prior to making a decision to take things to the next level we might have been best categorized as on-again-off-again.  Before this new commitment to my darling Mehmet, my love was on the periphery - I liked what he had to say, his books were interesting, but he was a little too needy and time consuming for my taste.  I do have a husband and child to care for after all.  Yes, my husband knows about Dr. Oz and I and he’s been able to turn a blind eye.   For this I am grateful.  I think it’s because I’ve repeatedly assured him that my attraction to Mehmet Oz stems from the simple fact that as a fellow Turk, he bears a striking resemblance to my own beloved Turk (albeit a much older version).  Clearly, once you go Ottoman, you never go back.

This is not my first relationship with a famed man of medicine.  Before Mehmet, I was in what I had hoped would be a long-term relationship with Dr. Agatston of South Beach fame and years before that I was involved  in a brief but highly volatile relationship with Dr. Atkins.   I had to break things off with Dr. Agatston when his demands about stripping refined-sugar from my life long-term became a bit too much to bear.   Dr. Adkins and I split up over a constipation issue.  That’s all I can say on that based on a gag order.  Due to my past relationship failures with iconic docs, I was a bit hesitant to jump into something committed with Dr. Oz.   In the interim between Dr. Agatston and Mehmet, I tested the waters with non-medically minded men through  rebound relationships with Michael Pollan – he wooed me with Food Rules until I found his rules too numerous to live by- and Mark Bittman Martha Stewart introduced me to Mark and while I found him to be fascinating and full of possibility, I felt Martha’s steely glares of disapproval constantly hung over our relationship thus bringing it to a premature demise. 

What is the common thread running through each of these relationships?  The shared handsome-healthy-old-guy vibe (ok, maybe not Dr. Atkins but as noted previously, our relationship had issues)?   The powerful, knowledgeable professional link?  No.  Each of these men were allowed entry into my life simply with the promise of assisting me in my constant quest to downsize my backside while fighting bad genes and keeping my heart healthy.  Each of them had a stance and to each of them I listened – cut out carbs, cut out sugar, cut out processed foods, eat local, eat vegan, eat meat, eat no meat, only whole grains, no whole grains and on and on went their passionate promises.  Each assured me that theirs was the answer to longevity, health and beauty.  What ample gal wouldn’t be enticed?  But in the end, none had the staying power to hold on to me long-term. 

So why should Dr. Oz be different?  I guess because I believe his angle just might be the right one.  I can buy into his theories because he offers groovy little science experiments to back them up.  He uses logic and science rather than judgments.  He's got an explanation for everything and lest we forget, he is one sexy beast with a way with the ladies, thankfully I’m not the jealous type.  I’m impressed by the way in which he seemingly understands what it’s like to be an exhausted mom pushing 40, as well as he understands what it’s like to be a successful heart surgeon – (or at least the writers on his show understand that).  Mehmet doesn’t simply want us to lose weight, he wants us to live better and feel better but he has the good sense to still give credence to the occasional Mojito and a moderately sized, low sugar, fruit filled dessert.  

So as I enter month 3 and eat my Dr. Oz prescribed oatmeal each morning, sprinkled with his suggest flax and chia seeds before downing my handful of Mehmet-suggested supplements and packing my bland almonds for a mid-morning snack, I’m not sure if I’m any thinner or if I look any younger, but I have faith in our union.  I’m hopeful that one day all of the components I’ve been adding one by one will magically conform into a super power that will transform me from a  tired looking 39 ¾ year old mom into a 22 year old Victoria’s Secret model.   Or maybe I’ll just be a little less tired and look a bit better in my Hanes Her Ways.  Until then, Mehmet and I will continue our forbidden relationship, skipping down the banks of the Bosphorus,  lounging on the shores of the Aegean, meandering into the Mediterranean whispering sweet recipes and giggling about fiber with one another in accented Turkish….ahhhhh yes… Mehmet, seni seviyorum.

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