Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Even Pole Dancers Like Comfortable Pants Sometimes...




     In a world filled with rapidly expanding waistlines, why does the fashion industry insist on filling malls with spandex and translucent fabrics not found in nature?   Is there a demand for plus size hoochies in the job market?  Did I miss something?  Should I hang up my career in education and gear up for one as a rotund pole dancer?   I didn’t think so.   As I look around at society I refuse to believe that we, the United States of big butts, are requesting micro minis and 14” stilettos.  So after several recent disheartening trips to the mall, I realized it was time for me to speak out for my people.  From hence forth I proclaim myself Official Spokesperson for the Big Butted Babes of American.  Michael Kors?  Calvin?  Donnatella?   Are you listening?  This is for you.


Dear Fashion Industry,

We are the women of America.  We jiggle and we ripple and we have dimples that are not on our faces. Yes, there is that 2% that looks good in your clothes but most of them are under age 16 and the rest are most likely drug addicts.  Take away those two constituencies and you have the rest of us and we are divided into three distinct camps:

1.       Mighty Mamas - Those that know they are fat and embrace it.  For those you have created the entire Plus Size industry and you as an industry are making a freaking fortune off those girls.

2.       Voluptuous Vixens - Those of us who don’t fit into plus sizes but have too much chub to look good in your clothes.  We are the size 14s - the forgotten chubs.

3.       Clueless Chubs -Those who are new to the life of chub and don’t quite realize they are fat – this is a dangerous area and this is where you prey.  Shame on you Fashion Industry.  Shame.  On. You.

We're on to your methods.  You make your money on the Mighty Mamas by offering the rare flattering clothing items for big girls at triple the price.  Then you attack the Clueless Chubs by marketing them the same items their pencil-thin girlfriends are wearing and capitalizing on their impaired judgment.  They are fresh to this world of girth, they didn’t grow up in Huskies and Pretty Plus and thus they don’t know!  Their chaffed thighs are new and they are still confused.  The next thing they know their newly acquired size 20 body is stuffed into a pair of size 18 ‘skinny jeans.’   Skinny Jeans that you made for them Fashion Industry.  Ain’t nothin’ skinny about a pair of size 18 jeans so stop lying.  Just sayin’.    Then after you have successfully stuffed them into those bright orange so-called “Skinny Jeans, “ you woo them into one of your stylish skirts currently flooding the market.  These skirts are wider than they are long and come in a variety of ass widening patterns including leopard and plaid.   What is wrong with you Fashion Makers of 2012?  If those skirts fall into the wrong hands (those wrong hands being anyone other than a plus-size pole dancer) there could be a disaster of immeasurable proportions.


Fashion Industry, as the Official Spokesperson for the Big Butted Babes of America, I offer this simple request.  Take a moment to get to know us and then make us some clothes that fit.   I know you feel you have a better handle on what we want that we do, but last time I checked, I didn’t see a single mom at Preschool Drop-off rockin’ Lucite platforms, a micro-mini and a crocheted halter top (not even that one who I’m pretty sure actually is a pole dancer).   We’re not all hookers and we don’t all enjoy sharing our cleavage with passersby.  (Not that there is anything wrong with hookers, I’m sure they are wonderful people but I’d  venture to guess that even hard working sex workers would like a pair of pants that don’t show buttcrack now and then.)  Stop making skinny girl clothes in fat girl sizes and start making decent clothes in all sizes.    And don’t forget those of us stuck in the middle, too chubby to be trendy, too skinny to be plus sized.  I think I speak for all when I say – I want pants that don’t give me a camel toe,  shirts that don’t show my back fat and shoes that wouldn’t serve as a weapon if I fell victim to mugging.  Is that too much to ask?  I think not.  Now get to work.  I’ve been to the mall recently and it looks like you’ve got a long road ahead of you.

Best,
Official Spokesperson for The Big Butted Babes of America

16 comments:

  1. You have a new follower..I'm here from Find the Funny and I loved this post so much I had to scroll down and read more. I'm hooked! You are a brilliant humor writer!!!!

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    1. Thanks so much Eva - glad you enjoyed it and I'm thrilled you're on board. And thanks so much for the shout out on your blog! What a thrill!

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  2. AHHHHHHHH, I love your list so much!!!! Sooo funny!

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  3. Ha! I have often said it should be against the law to make clothes in sizes that don't look good in that size. Seriously! It's not helping anyone!

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    1. My point exactly! Skinny jeans barley look good on skinny people - don't make them in plus sizes!

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  4. ROFLMAO Awesomely funny stuff! I appreciate humor and you can write humor. Wow.

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  5. i came over to visit on Eva's recommendation and i'm so glad i did! i'm one of those big butted babes and while i do enjoy showing some cleavage to the world, i like to be selective about which days i do so.
    i will now go read some more! =)

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  6. Eva sent me over for a chuckle, and I got one!

    Thanks.

    =)

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    1. Then my task was accomplished. Thanks for stopping in!

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  7. Hilarious and so true! thanks for putting this out there :)

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  8. Too funny! Thanks for linking up with Finding the Funny!

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