Monday, April 15, 2013

An Ode to Old Moms- I'm Talking to You My New BFF Halle Berry



I thought I was an old mom having my first a few days after turning 36, but Halle Berry, just announced at
My new BFF Halle and her Baby-Daddy
46- about to be 47-that she is knocked up.  Now that, my friends, is a seriously old mom.  Age may be just a number but dang girl, that’s a big number.  Of course, that baby is swimming in a gene pool filled with a nice mixture of gorgeous and crazy from both parents so I assume that when that kid is about 16 and Halle and Oliver are in their 60’s, that mixture may come back to bite them in their tired old asses but what the hell, they’ll have same great years before that.

All one has to do is read a few message boards on the interweb to be privy to a load of trash talk about we old moms but seriously, it’s not a new phenomenon.  Many of us raised in the Catholic world had grandmothers who still popped out kids well into their 40’s and it was really no big whoop.  As Halle said, "I'm a much better mother at 46, or 41 when I had her, than if I were 21 or 25. I was just a little baby, just trying to figure it out, trying to figure out who I was, let alone have the responsibility of trying to help another little soul develop and grow.  I'm so glad I waited."  To that I say – EXACTLY Halle.  Right on girl.

Last week Gloria Steinem spoke out against people bashing pregnant celebs for their weight gain, (I’m talking about you sleazy Kardashian sister), but I think she should have done the same for those who like to bash we geriatric moms.  Some women, like myself, had to wait a little longer to find their Turk-charmings and thus we don’t get around to breeding until we’re old broads.  And being an old mom is awesome.  Here are a few reasons why.

We’re laid back and more patient- partially because we’re already tired so taking a little longer to do things is totally cool with us.

We’re not insane about the safety issues, after all, we old broads are from a childhood without bike helmets and kneepads and we lived to tell.

We’re not afraid to tell you that you suck at teaching our kids (yes, I’m talking to you cranky old  swimming lesson lady from last week!) because we’re old broads and age has given us that right to speak our minds.

We’ve seen a lot of people raise their kids in all these years (especially those of us who were teachers!) and have been able to compile a mental log of what works and what doesn’t work which we then apply to our own parenting.

We’re willing to breastfeed for the long haul because our boobs are already saggy – we got nothing to lose.

We already did our time sitting in stinky bars and waking up with cotton mouth and killer headaches and are now perfectly content to spend a Friday night watching the Muppets instead of hitting up happy hour.

We don’t get all postal about stretch marks, because as old broads, stretch marks are the least of our worries after crows feet, the waddle and an occasional chin hair.

Chasing Midgets well into one’s 40’s keeps us looking and feeling way younger than those that are grandparents in their 40’s.  Sassy Midget's like mine, born to old moms simply don’t take – “No, Mom’s tired” for an answer.  They just look at you and say, “Suck it up old lady, we’re hitting the playground.”

And ultimately, we old moms waited so damn long to have these kids that we’re going to enjoy every minute of it, even if we have to do it from our Get-Around-Chair.


So Halle, as I get ready to have my second little Turk in a couple months after having just turned 41, I offer a toast of sparkling water to us old, knocked up broads.  May our swollen feet and cankles only better provide us with an understanding of things to come as we enter our 80’s in a few scant years.  But more than that, may we be thankful that our children will still be young and frisky enough to care for our old asses and not break their own hips while helping Mommy into the Senior Center.  We may be older and we may face more risks but above all else, we're wiser.  We’re going to show up that skinny ass princess and that fat ass Kardashian because we’ve done this before and we got this.  But most importantly, we both have some sassy 5 year olds at home who have never wanted anything like they want these siblings on the way.  Clearly Halle, we are meant to be BFFs 4-Ever.

Call me gurrrlll!!!!