Thursday, January 30, 2014

An Open Letter To Polar Vortex

Dear Ms. Vortex,

From widespread reports this morning, it seems you may be making a departure from what Al Roker likes to
call, my  "neck of the woods.”  I realize that if this departure is like your last, you may be back.  I get it.  You pulled out, headed home for the Arctic and suddenly – “Damn I forgot my conditioner in the shower”- and it was the expensive kind you have to buy in salons so I understand your return visit.  Done the same thing myself a time or two.  But don’t be offended if I say, I sure as hell hope you double-check the shower stall before leaving this time.  Forgive me for sounding harsh, but I think I speak for most all inhabitants of the middle states as I say, you’ve overstayed your welcome and it’s time for you to go-  or for those in more folksy regions – don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. 

That being said, Ms. Vortex, upon great reflection – and since we’ve been locked in basically for most of January I’ve had ample time to reflect – I must admit, your descent upon us was not all bad.  Let me point out a few highlights.

-         - Thanks to your arrival and frigid temps, it became necessary to put that whole New Year’s Diet thing on hold as I obviously needed all the extra body fat I could pack on for survival.  One pound down and I could risk hypothermia just getting the mail. 

-          -On a related note – I had no choice but to spend the last frigid weeks testing out all those things I’ve been Pining on Pinterest for the past year under the guise of baking to keep the house warm and fatten up my Turks for survival.  Apple Fritter Pull-a-part Bread?  Yes please – but only if it will keep my family warm.
           - For those of us with small people, there was no pressure to run out and play in the snow as such an activity would cause immediate frostbite relating in missing digits and who wants to be the parent who sends the note explaining the missing finger?  Nobody.
-     -Shivering counts as cardio. 
-            -I achieved great success sticking to my new 2014 budget plan simply because it was too damn cold to go shopping.
-        -  “Are you on Netflix again?” Yes, yes I am.  It’s  -20.  What the hell else is one to do all weekend?
      -Time for Baby Book Circle- where a crusty librarian saturated in gardenia perfume prods a group of drooling little ones towards literary greatness?  Sorry, too cold to go.

-          -An extra glass of wine?  Why of course.  Wine makes you warm.

-          -No one dared to toss a judgmental look at my overstuffed yoga pants.  They assumed I must have been rockin’ some long underwear even though I was just rockin’ some Apple Fritter Pull-a-part Bread.

-          -No child begging to go out for a walk/bike ride/run- anything!
-    -Sensible shoes with no apologies.
      -Universally accepted hat head.
       -Yet another 2 hour school delay?  That’s ok.  With three hours to prepare, we might finally be ready on time.
      -And finally, for this one brief month it has been totally socially acceptable to revel in all my latent antisocial tendencies one hundred percent guilt free and for that I thank you.

So Ms. Vortex, though we have all used your name in vain and surrounded in profanity in recent weeks, your visits have not been all bad.  If for nothing else, I got to spend one gloriously cold month snuggling with my rapidly growing little nugget before he starts crawling off on a path of destruction and as fast as that is coming, I won’t hold any of this against you.  Just don't come back again too soon.



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