Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Gypsies, Tramps, Cher and The Ukrainians

I’m a newsie.  A junkie really.  Occasionally I try to get the news monkey off my back by going cold turkey, but inevitably I come crawlin’ back.  NPR is my drug of choice.  I wake up to it.  It’s on in the car. It provides solid background to my day and until the batteries died, I even listened in the shower.  I love to listen to the rebroadcast of BBC news.  Back when we were in Turkey, the BBC trumped NPR as my drug of choice.  1. Because it was some of the only English I heard all day and 2. European CNN sucked.   
Today, I flipped on NPR just in time to catch the end of a BBC broadcast as I was doing diaper duty and the story I heard utterly blew my mind. 

The Ukrainian Army is fiercely trying to protect its borders in Crimea against a rapidly intensifying Russian Army presence.  Ok, nothing new there.  This has been going on for days.  The shocker?  They are using Cher.  You read that right.  Her Half-Breed singing, Sonny Bono marrying, daughter turned son lovin’ Royal
Highness Cher.

I know, right?

I know what you’re thinking – hey, I thought she was Lebanese not Ukrainian.   True.  She is.  Country of origins seems to have nothing to do with this.  Like me, you are probably right now getting a visual of an aged Cher in that black leotard with only her naughty bits covered and a feather Mohawk leading a tank into battle while flipping her jet black hair over each shoulder one at a time with manicured fingers.  No?  Ok, maybe that’s just me.  But Cher herself  is not actually the one waging the battle.  Too bad, because she’s a bad ass and I’m pretty sure that within five minutes of unleashing the wrath of the half-breed upon those Russian forces, this nonsense would be done and Cher would be riding one of them home. No, according to the BBC, the Ukrainian forces are blasting Cher’s Greatest Hits at top volume to keep their enemies at bay and drive them into retreat

Seriously?  Cher?  What Metallica was busy?

As a devoted Cher fan and long-time friend of the world’s homosexual population, there are a couple things here with which I can’t help but take issue. 

First off.  How dare you Ukraine.  I understand that things are a little dicey right now and that you are grasping at straws but to use the songs of Our Lady of Spandex in such a manner is sickening.  That music was made for love, not war.  I can guarantee that when the goddess Cher laid down tracks like I Got You Babe and If I Could Turn Back Time, she did not have war in her heart.  Not even when she exposed her soul in Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves was she thinking of war.  Half-Breed may have been a different story but still, I doubt she ever saw it coming to this.

Second, Did anyone bother to check with Ms. Cher to see how she felt about this?  Whenever Cher is played, an attitude of fabulousness must be worn.   I know this for fact.  Long before I was a chubby mom in the land of Hoosiers, I worked in professional theatre-costumes- out East.  I think it goes without saying that where there are costumes, there are gay men and where there are gay men there is Cher so therefore, I was trained by THE best.  My BFF Johnny and I spent countless nights in grad school strutting his hallway to the musical stylings of classic Cher practicing our attitudes of fabulousness so that when we were finally called up to the big leagues, we would be ready.  And you know, one night years later on a roof deck on Fire Island, no one was more fabulous.  We were Cher (I was totally better but that’s neither here no there.) So the real question is, are these Ukrainian soldiers prepared for fabulousness?  Do they even have any spandex in their duffle bags?  Who taught them the hair flip?  Troubling indeed.

Apparently this type of tactic is common to war.  I wouldn’t know, I worked for the Quakers for a million years and they are all about…peace.  I know, you thought I was going to say oats there didn’t you.  I guess over the years many armies have used whatever music they had at hand to torment their nemesis.  The US reportedly is fond of using ACDC and Metallica, both obvious choices.  The use of Cher is a bit unprecedented.  Then again, is it?  Blasting the beloved tunes of a gay icon into a militant antigay country?  Well played  Ukraine, well played.  Just be aware that if you unleash the power of Cher, you better be ready for it.

The Warrior

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